The REAL Chamber of Secrets
by Ges
Summary: -WAS going to be rewritten. Now Abandoned! Like my childhood.- Harry and Co. totally screw up and get detention with Snape. But then the totally unexpected and totally unoriginal happens. They find a secret door. But to where... and to WHOM?
1. Sometimes it's best NOT to ask

**Disclaimer:** _Harry Potter belongs to JKR._

**Gesplantion: **So the other day I was going through my old Harry Potter fanfictions. I came across this one and was hit with nostalgia and that feeling parents get when they see their first born child graduate from college… and then they realize he's still a pothead. Yeah, THAT feeling. So I figured I should go through and fix it up a bit. My original intent was to just fix the format and spelling/grammar errors (it was written in Notepad, because back then I was lacking in MicrosoftWord.). However, I never get what I want, so I ended up pretty much rewriting it. Only not quite, because I'm not as good at keeping my mind on one thing anymore. It starts drifting. Like this one time, I was in school and the teacher was talking about Hitler or Shakespeare or equations or something lame, and I started staring out the window and this really hot chick walked by and I was like, "Oh man!" And I pretty much failed the test. Hey. Where was I? Right. Anyway, so while I just wanted to edit it for errors I ended up revising it. The plot's the same and the story's the same, the words are just a little different. So there. Hopefully as many people like this version as much as they liked the bad one. Actually, hopefully more. I could use the ego boast. And the money, but I don't think it's legal to make you pay to read this. Damn. Damn damn damn. I hate capitalists. And junebugs. All right, well.. enjoy. I love you all.

The REAL Chamber of Secrets!

**Chapter One:** Sometimes it's best NOT to ask.

It was a beautiful day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Outside the castle, birds sang and the sun captured the outside grounds, Herbology greenhouse, and Quidditch field in it's holy light. Inside Hogwarts, light came through the window, falling on unsuspecting witches and wizard, and filling them up with happiness and energy. It was a fantastic moment. But one part of the castle was immune to this wonderful phenomenon. Harry Potter walked with his friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, down to the only thing with the wicked power to cancel any effect of happiness; Potions Class in Severus Snape's dungeon.

Harry grimaced, looking at Hermione and Ron. "Our lives suck, guys." He sighed, and then pushed open the door.

"You're two minutes late. Ten points from Gryffindor," A cold, smooth voice hissed gleefully as they quickly entered. "Each." None other than the Potions master, Severus Snape, stood glaring at them. Sighing under their breath, the Gryffindor heroes quietly slipped to a table and began getting ready. Five minutes later, Draco Malfoy rushed into the class, nearly tripping. Clearing his throat as he got to his table, his dusted off his robes, fixed his Slytherin tie, and smirked apologetically at his Head of House as he smoothed back silvery blonde hair.

"Ah, dear Professor. I express great regret at my inability to show up at the designated time. As I was headed towards these loved dungeons, that cursed poltergeist Peeves found it would provide great entertainment to bombard me with water balloons. I had to make a quick stop to the washroom to dry, which held me back from making it in time to Potions class. Indeed, I am greatly sorrowed."

Snape merely nodded to Malfoy, who sneered and took a seat, looking at the rest of the class.

"Today," Snape said icily, " You will be making Shrinking Potions."

As Hermione went to get ingredients, Ron hissed in Harry's ear, "Malfoy was later than us, and he didn't get in trouble!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "I know Ron, but don't complain. He'll only take more points away-"

"Weasley. Potter. If you would kindly shut up, I'd like to continue teaching my class." Snape was glaring at them both. Instantly, they shut up, but it didn't stop Snape from adding, "And ten additional points from Gryffindor, while I'm at it." He smirked sickeningly, as a few Slytherins snickered quietly. Harry narrowed his eyes, and Ron jumped up to protest. Hermione leaped up from her place beside Neville, attempting to hold Ron back. A batch of newts was knocked over onto Draco in the process, who screamed something about "This is Gucci!" and rushed out. Chaos filled the dungeons, as Snape raised his voice in an attempt to restore peace. "IF YOU DO NOT ALL SIT DOWN AND RESUME YOUR POTIONS, I WILL PAINFULLY FORCE FEED ALL OF YOU THE CONTENTS OF LONGBOTTOM'S POTION!" The dungeon was covered in a blanket of silence and stillness. Snape's left eye twitched as he turned slowly towards Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "You… three… idiots!" He pointed a shaky a finger at the trio. "Detention tonight." Ron opened his mouth, but Harry and Hermione both elbowed him in the ribs. "Now, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

After dinner that night, the three sadly walked to Snape's dungeon to serve their detentions.

"He's evil," Ron muttered.

"Well, Ron, if you could just keep yourself in check for once we wouldn't be headed back there. But, yes, he is uncommonly wicked," Hermione muttered in agreement.

"What I wouldn't give to make him suffer." Ron was growling, and the other two Gryffindors were certain the redhead's eyes were glowing a crimson color. They glanced at each other uneasily.

Suddenly, something green and small rushed by them hurriedly, followed by a ragged, old cat. The trio recognized the feline as Mrs. Norris.

"Hey! Cat! Leave that thing alone!" Yelled Harry, as he stepped on her tail.

"'Cause all in all you've just about ticked us all off!" Added Ron.

The cat hissed something that sounded like, "I don't need your thought control!" She hissed again, as Harry lifted his foot and allowed her to slink off.

The trio glanced towards what they'd saved. Harry thought it was a house elf until he realized it was green. Then Hermione exclaimed, "It's a Leprechaun!"

The tiny elf looked up at them. It suddenly threw itself at their feet, speaking in-between grateful sobs. "Oh! Ye -sob- saved me life! I am for-forever in ye debt!" He stood up, and wiped his eyes. "In 'onor of ye kindness, I offer ye one wish! A'ything ye could possib'y wan'!"

Harry thought for a second. What was it he truly wanted? His parents back? Voldemort destroyed once and for all? Fudge out of office? An iPod? Then he had it. Clearing his throat, he started to speak, when suddenly Ron piped up, "I wish for Snape to suffer!" Harry glared at Ron, then sighed, Now he would never get a puppy.

"Ye wish shall be gran'ed!" The leprechaun squeaked. Ron blinked.

"Wow, you mean you can really do that? I was just joking, I didn't expect you to actually do it. You look pretty weak and pathet-"

The leprechaun suddenly burst into tears, and exclaimed, "H-how dare ye defy me! Ye'll pay! Ye'll all pay!" And then, with a pop, he was gone.

Hermione sighed. "Ron, don't you know anything? Leprechauns are the magical equivalent of sad American gothic teenagers. Their mood changes constantly, and they take offense to almost everything and use it as the base for poetry, art, and moping about in graveyards."

Ron shrugged. "Right, just don't start 'L.I.C.K.' or anything like that." Hermione rolled her eyes, and the three set off again, unconcerned with the incident.

"I still can't believe Snape took away a million-"

"Fourty, Ron." Hermione corrected.

"Oh yeah, FOURTY points, and gave us a detention!" Ron fumed.

Hermione suddenly stopped. Something that had been oppressed for the longest time was burning in her eyes. "Lets all run away, not even go to the detention!"

Harry gasped in shock, taking a step back. "Hermione! How could you think such a thing? We can't skip detention, much less leave the school! What about Voldemort? What about Dumbledore? WHAT ABOUT OUR EDUCATION?"

"WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!" Hermione screamed. Ron and Harry stared at her uneasily. "And besides, I know enough to begin my grand plan of World Domination!" The two boys bit their lips, and looked at each other. With silent agreement, Harry and Ron pretended they didn't hear anything, and continued the walk to Snape's Dungeon. Hermione sighed, and followed.

They made it too Snape's dungeon, and gloomily walked in. Snape sat at the front of the room, smirking his head off. Literally.

"Oops." Snape picked up his head, and screwed it back into place on his neck. "That happens sometimes, but I assure you it's not because I'm a Zombie Vampire. Anyway, as punishment for being alive, you must clean OUT MY CLOSET!"

Lightning struck a tree outside, and thunder boomed. There was a soft whisper of music from somewhere within the dungeon.

"But tonight, I'm cleanin' out my clo-clo-clo-clo-clo-Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleo-" Snape quickly reached under his desk and switched something off. For a minute he averted his gaze from the children, mumbled something about 'corrupt music files', and then bit his lip in the awkward silence that followed. Finally he looked back at them, and cleared his throat. "And it hasn't been cleaned out for the last…" Snape narrowed his eyes evilly, and whispered, "fifty years."

The three gasped, and looked fearfully at each other. Snape shoved them into a closet. They stood shaking among dust and debris, as a tiny spider scuttled by Ron. She stopped, and smiled up at him. "Hello, my name is Charlotte, and I think you're wonderfu-" Ron screamed, and stomped on the spider. He turned, and buried his head into Hermione's shoulder, sobbing.

The witch scowled, and shoved him away. "I'm seeing someone, thank you very much!"

"How DARE you accuse me of wanting to be your lover in any way, Woman! And WHO would YOU be seeing?" Ron sneered as he dusted himself off.

Hermione blushed, and mumbled, "Your brother, Percy."

A look of shock fell over the Weasley's face as he abruptly stopped dusting. "What?" He whispered. Backing up until he hit the wall, he started hyperventilating. "P-Percy, Hermione?" She nodded. With an exclamation of horror, Ron fell to his knees, and screamed out, "NO! PLEASE, NO! GOOD GOD! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S INNOCENT AND HOLY AND GOOD, SAY IT ISN'T SO!" Ron panted for a few seconds, quietly sobbing, "Please, please." then got up, cleared his throat and said calmly, "Oh. Glad to hear."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Well, come on, then! We've got to clean out this closet!" Harry announced bravely, grabbing a broom. He looked up towards the ceiling and whispered, "Mum, Dad, help me to overcome this. I will avenge you!"

The three set about to doing their task. Hermione suddenly spotted something glistening gold among the dirt. She bent down next to it, examined it and found it to be a door handle, which she then attempted to pick it up. But, as handles that are attached to locked doors tend to do, it didn't budge. Hermione's eye twitched, and she took an ax that was lying next to her. Lifting it above her head, and glaring down at the door, she screamed, "I AM HERMIONE GRANGER! YOU WILL OBEY TO ME!" And with those words, the angry young witch swung the ax onto the handle. Naturally, as wooden doors tend on doing, it split apart. Hermione gasped, dropping the ax. The others turned and looked at her, then at what she stared at

A spiraling staircase faded into darkness. The three looked meaningfully at each other, and then Harry and Ron headed down. Hermione stared for a moment deviously rubbing her hands together, grinned evilly, and cackled wickedly.

"Oi, Hermione, shut that mess up!" Ron yelled at her from the stairs. Hermione glared, and then headed down after them.

Now, you can't expect the ever alert Snape not to have heard all this commotion. Throwing down a book on vampires he was reading, the potion master stormed over to the closet, and broke the door down with the intention of verbally harming the young children. He stepped into the dusty room just in time to see the Hermione's head disappear down the staircase. For a moment he stared in confusion at the chaos around the room. Then he looked back at the opening in the floor.

And naturally, as inquisitive, menacing Potion Professors tend on doing, he followed the trio down.


	2. Follow the Yellow Brick Road!

****

The REAL Chamber of Secrets!

Chapter Two: Follow the Yellow Brick Road!

Ron and Harry walked through a dark, damp hallway. Water dripped from the ceiling, and cracks ran through the walls. Critters of all sorts ran about and peered eerily from the shadows at the two boys. The stone floor creaked, making it all the more odd. Stone floors don't creak.

"Where are we, Harry?" Ron managed to whisper, keeping close to his friend.

"I don't kn- why do you always ask me? Ask Hermione, she's the smart one," Harry snapped back.

"I would, but... she's gone, Harry," Ron whispered back.

"What?" Harry wheeled around. Sure enough, there was no trace of her, anywhere. Harry panicked, not knowing what to do. He searched frantically, looking behind rocks, on the ceiling, and in Ron's pants. There was no trace of her.

"This is bad," he muttered thoughtfully. Then, he took a deep breath. "We have but one choice."

"Run, and run some more?" Ron whimpered.

"No! We have to... find Hermione!" Harry struck a heroic pose as he glared determinedly at Ron. "That… is our quest."

Ron considered this. "But, WHY? Can't we just, you know... leave her here? We could say Snape's a cannibal, and had her for lu-"

"Ew! Cannibals are evil, Ron!"

"Well, so is Snape... and he does have that cannibal look... I mean, he's all pale, and skinny. Maybe Dumbledore doesn't let him eat…" Ron pointed out, with much nose tapping.

"Actually, for once, I think you're on to something…" Harry agreed thoughtfully.

"For once! You would have died millions of times without me!" Ron screeched at Harry.

"Would not! I got past a giant dragon without you!" Retorted the boy who lived.

"Yeah, but you had to get help from a fake freak who turns kids into ferrets!" Ron suddenly stopped, and gazed off. "Malfoy, the Amazing Bouncing ferret... I'll never forget that day..."

"Come ON, Ron!" Harry kicked Ron, then stormed off on his quest to find Hermione. Ron sighed happily, and followed.

A few corridors and turns away, Hermione strutted down a vacant hall. She chuckled evilly as she rubbed her hands together. "I've lost those meddlesome kids! Now, I can put my plans into ACTION!" The chuckled transformed into a high pitched screech of glee, until something dawned on the evil geniusess.

"I'm… lost. Dammit."

Severus Snape walked down one of the many halls, jumping at every sound and shaking with fear. "It's... dark, and… cold. And there are bats, and rats, and spiders. And I am all alone." He gasped. "I'm going to die! I'm going to die in an old room, that I had no idea was in my closet, and no one's going to find my body for years, and I'll be forgotten, and I don't WANT to be forgotten!" The Potions Master stopped dead in his tracked, his eyes watering up. "This world is so unfair!"

Suddenly, he felt his feet sinking. Snape looked down, then gulped. "The higher powers have given a fate worse; quicksand. Now, no one will EVER find my body!" As this begin to sink in, Severus saw his life flash before his eyes "Why? Why did I ever join the death eaters? WHY DID I LEAVE THEM? Oh god, I need a drink." Quite suddenly, a butterbeer appeared in Snape's hand. He blinked, and looked at it. "God does exist! And he loves me! He really loves me! Wait… what if he poisoned this butterbeer, so I'll die faster? Or maybe slower, so I suffer more? Well, I'll die either way." He opened it, and tossed his head back.

Drinking half the drink in one gulp, Snape felt himself sinking deeper into the sand. "Alas! This high calorie butterbeer makes you gain weight in a period of one second!" Snape looked down at his body. "But, I'm not gaining any weight..." Suddenly, Snape realized the sand was up ton his neck. He sighed, choking back tears. "Well, I guess… this is... good-bye…" And then, he disappeared into the quicksand.

Meanwhile, Ron and Harry were still searching for Hermione.

"She isn't ANYWHERE, Harry!" Ron panted, as he rushed to keep up with Potter.

"Actually, that makes no sense, as everywhere is somewhere, somewhere is everywhere! She has to be somewhere, because everywhere is so-"

"I GET it!" Ron growled. He rubbed his eyes, and then scanned the horizon. "Hey Harry, I think I see someone up there!"

Harry blinked, then turned his head in the direction Ron was pointing. He gasped. "By golly, I think you're right!"

Ron starred. "'By golly'? No, wait… pretend I didn't ask… let's just go." Both boys ran toward the figure, but stopped abruptly.

"I-it's… Harry, It's HIM!" Ron screamed.

Harry backed up, his breathing quickening. "No! Please, no! Anyone but HIM!"

A cloaked figure, with an evil glow to his smile, advanced on the two. Ron and Harry screamed, and ran in the opposite direction.

"He's gaining on us!" Harry screamed.

"We have keep runn- oh no!" Ron stopped, staring. Harry came up next to him.

They had come to the edge of a cliff.

"No! If we keep running, we'll die, and if we stay here, we'll die! What do we do?" Harry freaked out, shaking Ron by the shoulders.

"Die?" Ron suggested.

"Hello, boys!"

"It's HIM!" Ron and Harry screamed together. They turned around, to face the terror that was-

"Yes, It's me!" Laughed the villian.

"LOCKHART!" The two were blinded by his shiny, white teeth, and could not find their wands or anything to else to defend themselves with. Lockhart chuckled at their situation.

"So, you thought you could get away with destroying my memory? Well, boys, I've got my memory back, and I'm MAD!" Lockhart threw back his head and laughed, his teeth still blindingly bright. Millions of laughs followed. Harry and Ron managed to open their eyes to looked around, and saw posters of Lockhart everywhere. Their bright, white smiles blinded them, and their loud, rumbling laughter nearly killed them.

"Oh, please Mr. Lockhart! Spare us!" Harry begged, unable to take the chaos anymore.

"Well… I don't know, I mean… I suppose… oh, fine." The posters shut up, looking sad. "The way to get out of the Chamber of Secr-"

"This isn't the Chamber of Secrets!"

"It's the REAL Chamber of Secrets, Harry! Now shut up." Lockhart grinned stupidly, then pointed to a winding, yellow road made of bricks. "To get out, you must follow the Yellow Brick Road!"

"The Yellow Bri-"

"Don't ask questions! But beware, the Yellow Brick Road is lined with many, many dangers! I'm only being telling you, because you'll probably get killed anyways. I'd do it myself, but I have an interview with Look magazine in an hour, and I don't want your nasty bloodstains on my Fubu robes." Harry and Ron stared at Lockhart, who frowned, yet STILL managed to show his teeth. "GET GOING!"

Ron and Harry squeaked in fright, and ran off to the road.

"Wait. What about Hermione, Ron?" Ron looked back at the evil Lockhart, chuckling evilly.

"We're just going to have to leave he-"

"NO! NO, RON, WE CA-"

Ron slapped Harry. "Shut up. I wasn't done. We're going to get help when we get out. We can't fight Lockhart, and we haven't been able to find her yet, so we have to choice but to go down this Yellow Brick Road."

The two stared down the road. It led into a menacing forest. Crows cawed over head, and vultures glided above them in a black sky. Rats and black cats lurked about. One rat stopped, and hissed at the two.

"Are you sure we should follow, Ron?" Harry whispered.

"I think we should, Harry." Ron gulped. With a deep breath, they took the first step together. The second they stepped onto the road, everything changed. A beautiful field full of blooming flowers and little creeks and ponds replaced the forest. Rabbits and deer frolicked through the grass, and songbirds whistled as they flew through the blue sky. It made you want to sing.

Which is exactly what they did.

"Oh, follow the Yellow Brick Road! Follow the Yellow Brick Road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the Yellow Brick Road!" Ron and Harry skipped down the road. "Because we're off the save Hermione! The wonderful Hermione Granger! We'll get away from Lockhart, and make our way out of the Chamber! We may have to fight on the way, but that's okay, that's okay! Because, because, because, because! We're Ron Weasley and Harry Potter! Oh, follow the Yellow Brick Road!" The two skipped down the road, merrily singing the same song over and over.


End file.
